Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Hello Preki. Thank you for not taking this competition lightly, therefore putting your best players out there when needed. Your insertion of Joseph Nane and Dan Gargan into a game where your team was down 1-0 and had a $1 million La Liga striker on the bench was a masterclass of coaching genius, which should be studied by up and coming gaffers the world over.
Hello Marlon Mejia. Thank you for refereeing this match. Your calm, even-handed demeanour was a credit to your profession, and bucked the trend of your CONCACAF brethren. In no way were you going to fall into the age-old stereotype of corrupt officials from Central America with complete and contemptible bias against the team trying to play honourable football. Your two red cards against TFC players made sure of it. Those Toronto bastards were asking for it all night, what with their audacious attempts to take the ball away from Arabe Unido players and stop them from attacking. Where do those gringos get off?
Hello Fuad Ibrahim. Thank you for giving loyal viewers a new aspiration to strive for. The way you threw your voice into Julian de Guzman’s mouth after you got that much-deserved yellow card for brazenly trying to put the ball into the Arabe Unido net was the stuff that Las Vegas shows are made of. You even managed to say a few words in Spanish. It’s too bad the ref saw right through that act and gave you that straight red card, which was possibly the first ever ejection given for ventriliquism. He obviously isn’t a true fan of the performing arts. Don’t sweat it though, you’ll go down in the history books, kid. Way to stick to your guns for your craft.
Hello Jose Calderon. Thank you firstly for having the same name as a beloved Toronto basketball player. The Raptors’ Calderon will never match you, the vaunted Arabe Unido goalkeeper, in healing abilities, though. While our Calderon keeps getting silly injuries that force him to miss swaths of crucial games with the Raptors, you’ve managed to master the instant healing technique, by which you were able to take a knee in the face from Nick LaBrocca — which totally shattered every bone in that handsome mug of yours — and minutes later make a full recovery in order to finish the match. You’ll need to show our Calderon how to do that. I know you probably like to keep your powers a secret, what with that dastardly Senator Robert Kelly trying to turn the world against your kind, but I think it has to do with your hands, as your pressing them against your broken face (in combination with your rolling around on the magic FieldTurf of Estadio Agustin Sanchez until LaBrocca was dismissed) seemed to do be the catalyst for your remarkable recovery. Your secret’s safe with me, bub.
Hello CONCACAF. Thank you for governing football in this region with the sort of class and diligence that other confederations should be striving to duplicate. You ensure that the entire region can continue to develop as clean, fair-minded soccer nations, with absolutely no bitterness or need for rampant conspiracy theories about you by fans like in those other confederations. Thank you for never cutting off your proverbial nose to spite your face by blatantly favouring the sides that bring hundreds of spectators to your Champions League matches over those that are among the top attendance-getters in the hemisphere. That would just be stupid and provincial.
Hello Arabe Unido. Thank you for consistently showing us North Americans how true football is played. Our teams foolishly do things like stay on their feet when brushed up against. Such naivete needs to be corrected, and fortunately you guys are more than willing to educate the rest of us.
Hello Wednesday. Thank you for not being Tuesday. That day sucked.
Posted by Rudi Schuller